A TTS Christmas
by SuperSaiyanDiclonius
Summary: The Emperor explains the origin of the Daemon known as Santa Claus


**_If Christmas Had A Text-To-Speech Device_**

Another Q and A, another aneurysm. Kitten was still on his way to Mars, so it fell to Magnus and Rogal Dorn to feed the Emperor's masochism.

"NO. I HAVE NO INTENTION OF CREATING ANY 'PRIMARIS MARINES'. HOW DID YOU EVEN COME UP WITH THAT QUESTION? IT IS THE STUPIDEST IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD." The Emperor said in response to the latest question.

"Alright Dorn, I think it's your turn." Magnus said to his brother.

"I find it difficult to believe that you would have to 'think' about that, considering it was your turn and there are no other people reading questions to father." The over-literal Primarch of the Imperial Fists replied.

"...It _is _your turn." Magnus corrected to avoid another pointless fight.

"Duly noted. This question comes from... SuperSaiyanDiclonius... I do not know the significance of this name." Dorn stated.

"IT IS A CROSS BETWEEN A XENO AND A MUTANT. THAT IN ITSELF CONFIRMS THAT THIS QUESTION WILL BE REALLY FUCKING STUPID." The Emperor explained.

"Ahem, To the Emperor of the Imperium of man..." Dorn began.

"AS IF YOU ARE NOT PART OF IT." The Emperor comments.

"It is said that you have lived more than one life. Shapeshifting between one human form and another throughout your 40,000 years..." Dorn continued.

"OH FUCK. YOU BETTER NOT ASK ME WHAT I THINK YOU'RE ABOUT TO ASK ME." The Emperor could feel his rage building.

"I believe I have found one of your past lives, but I can't be sure..." Dorn goes on.

"I AM WARNING YOU. THE FUCKING WORLD EATERS WILL ASK ME TO TAKE A CHILL PILL AFTER I'M THROUGH WITH YOU." The Emperor begins to glow as he feels another Warp Storm prepare to pass.

"Which is why I must ask. Were you...Santa?" Dorn concluded.

**_NO! I AM NOT DONALD FUCKING TRU-_**...OH..." The Emperor's anger disappears immediately...replaced by a deep sadness.

"Father? Is something the matter?" Magnus asked him, he had never seen his father this upset.

"...MAGNUS...DO YOU KNOW WHY I NEVER TRIED TO FILL THE WARP WITH MY OWN DAEMONS?" The Emperor asked his son.

Magnus was very visibly taken aback by the sudden question. "Oh um uh W-well I, I don't know. I mean, I guess it would be _difficult_, but not _too_ difficult. Considering the fanatic worship of your followers, you technically could capatilize on their belief that you're a god and become one or at least something close to it or-"

"I MEANT WHY DO YOU THINK I HAVEN'T TRIED SOMETHING LIKE THAT BEFORE NOW?" The Emperor corrected.

Magnus was taken aback. Not by the interruption, but by how _passive_ it was, not even a single curse word. "Um..no, why haven't you?"

"More importantly, what does any of this have to do with this 'Santa'?" Dorn inquired.

"BECAUSE I DID, AND THAT WAS HIM." The Emperor replied.

"...Whu...WHAT!?" Magnus blurted.

"IT STARTED IN HUMANITY'S FIRST DARK AGES IN THE FIRST MILLENNIUM. DAEMONS WERE A MAJOR PROBLEM BACK THEN AND THE CURRENT RULERS OF CIVILIZATION WERE ACTUALLY MORE INCOMPETENT THAN TODAY'S." The Emperor began.

"AROUND THIS TIME, I WAS ONLY JUST STARTING TO GET A HANDLE ON WHO I WAS AND WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DOING. I HAD ALREADY TRIED RULING FOR MYSELF AWHILE BACK AND THAT FAILED MISERABLY, SO I DECIDED TO TAKE CARE OF SHIT FROM THE SHADOWS. WHISPERING INTO THE RIGHT EARS, PUTTING KNIVES THROUGH THE WRONG ONES, AND OCCASIONALLY SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF SMALL CHILDREN." The Emperor continued.

"So _that's_ where Konrad Curze came from." Magnus commented.

"OF COURSE, MY BIGGEST PASS TIME WAS MURDERING DAEMONS. AND IT IS DURING THIS TIME THAT I STARTED TO WONDER: IF DAEMONS ARE OUR THOUGHTS MADE MANIFEST, WOULDN'T IT BE POSSIBLE TO MAKE MY OWN DAEMONS THAT WEREN'T SUCH HORRIBLE FUCKING MONSTERS?" The Emperor inquired.

"Well, while you could _possibly_ create your own neverborn and shape them to your image, they wouldn't be that numerous or powerful though." Magnus Explained.

"I KNOW THAT YOU EGG-LAYING EGG-HEAD." The Emperor snapped, resulting in unintelligible noises from Magnus.

"I WAS MAULING THIS OVER WHILE I WAS FRIGHTENING CHILDREN ONE NIGHT, WHEN ONE OF THE KIDS I SCARED RAN INTO A STRANGER. I WAS READY TO MIND-MURDER HIM IF HE TRIED TO RAPE, MUTILATE, OR OTHERWISE HARM THE BOY AS STARNGERS TENDED TO DO TO CHILDREN IN THESE TIMES. BUT TO MY SURPRISE, HE SIMPLY GAVE THE BOY A WOODEN TRAIN AND WALKED HIM HOME." The Emperor continued.

"Why would he give a small boy a train made of wood? It would be impossible to move unless it was on a track." Dorn asked.

"IT WAS A TOY TRAIN ROGAL." The Emperor clarified.

"Ah, that makes more sense. You should have specified sooner." The Primarch replied.

"WHY THE HELL WOULD HE GIVE A SMALL CHILD AN ACTUAL TRAIN? THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE!" The Emperor ranted.

"I know...that's why I asked." Dorn replied.

**_"FUCK YOU ROGAL!!!"_** The Emperor shouted.

"ANYWAY, I STARTED OBSERVING THIS KIND STRANGER AND FOUND OUT THAT HE WOULD WANDER THE STREETS LATE AT NIGHT LIKE A SERIAL KILLER, BUT INSTEAD OF LEAVING BODIES BEHIND, HE WOULD GIVE HAND CRAFTED TOYS TO ANY CHILDREN HE ENCOUNTERED. WHEN HE WASN'T DOING THAT, HE WAS BUILDING THE TOYS HE GAVE OUT." The Emperor continued.

"EVENTUALLY, PEOPLE STARTED TO NOTICE THIS, AND IT BRIGHTENED THEIR SPIRITS. EVEN MORE SO THAN MY DAEMON MURDERING DID. BUT THAT WAS ONLY THE COMMON FOLK, THE RULERS WHO RELIED ON THAT FEAR TO STAY IN POWER DECIDED THAT SOME NICE GUY HANDING OUT HAND-MADE TOYS TO CHILDREN WAS A GIANT FUCKING THREAT AND THEY HAD HIM EXECUTED." The Emperor explained.

"Typical. Everytime someone tries to make life worth living, some power-mad, wolf-obsessed asshole comes along and destroys everything you sought to achieve and bestow upon the unenlightened." Magnus grumbled.

"WHILE I COULD NOT INTERVENE TO SAVE THE MAN'S LIFE, I DECIDED THAT WHAT HE BROUGHT TO HUMANITY WAS TOO VALUABLE TO ALLOW SOME POWER-MAD ASSHOLES THAT I WAS GOING TO ACCIDENT TO DEATH IN A WEEK TO DESTROY IT. SO AS HE DIED, I CLAIMED THE MAN'S SOUL AND BOUND IT TO THIS PLANE OF EXISTENCE." The Emperor explained.

"Oh-HO! So _that's_ what you meant. This would allow the man, who I presume is this 'Santa', to continue to spread joy and Kindness to Humanity. Right?" Magnus guessed.

"CORRECT, SANTA CLAUS, AS HE CAME TO BE KNOWN, USED THE POWERS OF THE WARP TO CREATE TOYS THE LIKES OF WHICH HE COULD NOT MAKE WITH MORTAL HANDS AND GIVE THEM TO CHILDREN ALL OVER THE WORLD. BUT EVENTUALLY, HE REALIZED THAT EVEN HE HAD LIMITS AND COULD NOT DO THIS EFFECTIVELY ALL THE TIME. SO HE STARTED CREATING TOYS FOR EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR AND DELIVERING THEM ONCE A DAY. THAT DAY WAS KNOWN AS CHRISTMAS. " The Emperor said.

"So there was a single day every year where all the children of Ancient Terra got a new toy, because you turned a man into a Daemon?" Magnus asked.

"CHRISTMAS WAS ABOUT MORE THAN TOYS, IT WAS A TIME OF CELEBRATION AND JOY THAT BROUGHT FAMILY CLORSER TOGETHER. IT WAS AN EXCUSE TO TELL YOUR DIET PLAN TO FUCK ITSELF WHILE ATE YOUR WEIGHT IN PIES AND TURKEY AND JUST FELT GOOD ABOUT BEING ALIVE." The Emperor clarified.

"That...sounds excellent." Dorn commented.

"SANTA CLAUS WAS SUCH A HUGE SSUCCESS THAT DAEMONS ACTUALLY BECAME A RARER OCCURRENCE, SO I DECIDED ONE WAS NOT ENOUGH AND MADE SEVERAL HOLIDAY DAEMONS." The Emperor concluded.

"That's...actually a pretty good idea. So what happened?" Magnus asked.

"Yes, if this magic toy-maker were still around, I am sure we would have heard of him." Rogal threw in.

"AS HUMANITY GREW, SO TOO DID IT'S INFLUENCE IN THE WARP. WHAT I HAD NOT PLANNED ON WAS ANOTHER SENTIENT RACE CORRUPTING THAT PRESENSE WITHOUT GOING THROUGH HUMANITY FIRST." The Emperor explained.

"That shouldn't be possible. How could one races gods interfere with those of another without interacting with the mortal beings that nourish those gods." Rogal asked.

"BECAUSE BACK THEN, HUMANITY DID NOT ISOLATE ITSELF FROM THE REST OF THE GALAXY, IT WAS NAIVE, TRUSTING, FOOLISH. THEY WANTED TO SPREAD THEIR JOY TO OTHER RACES, AND WHILE THE MAJORITY OF RACES THEY INTERACTED PEACEFULLY WITH HAPPILY ENJOYED HUMAN HOLIDAYS DURING THE DARK AGE OF TECHNOLOGY, ONE RACE THAT DID NO SUCH THING WAS THE FUCKING ELDAR." The Emperor explained.

"Oh shit... Santa Claus brought joy to his worshipers...joy is an innocent form of _pleasure_, isn't it." Magnus sighed.

"HEY, HEY, LOOK WHO'S CATCHING UP. THAT'S RIGHT, WHEN SLAANESH WAS MURDER-FUCKED INTO EXISTENCE, SHE DIDN'T JUST DEVOUR THE MAJORITY OF THE ELDAR GODS, SHE ALSO CONSUMED ALL OF _HUMANITY'S _GODS. SANTA CLAUS, THE EASTER BUNNY, UNCLE SAM, ALONG WITH THE LESSER HOLIDAY DAEMONS SUCH AS LEPRECHAUNS, TOOTH FAIRIES, CUPIDS, SANTA'S HELPER ELVES, AND VARIOUS OTHER HOLIDAY DEITIES. AND I ALSO FOUND OUT THAT THE REASONS DAEMONS STOPPED COMING AROUND WAS BECAUSE NONE FED ON PLEASURE. THE FOLLOWING MASSACRE WAS SO DEPRESSING THAT I DECIDED I DIDN'T WANT TO TRY THAT AGAIN. EVER." The Emperor.

"...Wow, there were Daemons that only spread _joy_ to their vi- I can't even say victims, subjects?" Magnus asked, still trying to wrap his head around it.

"YES, OF VARIOUS TYPES. KONRAD CURZE WOULD'VE TURNED OUT VERY DIFFERENTLY IF HALLOWEEN AND THE GREAT PUMPKIN STILL EXISTED. THE JOY OF SCARING AND BEING SCARED WAS A PRETTY FUN ONE." The Emperor commented.

"How can experiencing fear be fun?" Rogal Dorn asked.

"BECAUSE IT WAS PART OF THE HOLIDAY, YOU WOULD HAVE TO CELEBRATE IT TO GET IT." The Emperor explained.

"So now, I will never get it." Rogal concluded.

"NO." The Emperor said.

"And all of this is the Eldar's fault." Magnus deduced.

"YES." The Emperor confirmed.

"...Well...if Christmas _were_ still a thing, I think I'd want Santa to give me some Eldar Soulstones for some new, _painful_ experiments." Magnus growled.

"Magnus, weren't you listening earlier? Christmas isn't about the presents, it's celebrating life with family and loved ones. If it were still around, I would be spending with my sons, even the Black Templars, bonding through common interests with...say...a _Crusade._" Dorn said with as much fury as his disposition allowed him.

"WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW? IF CHRISTMAS WERE STILL A THING, IT WOULD BE EXACTLY TEN DAYS AWAY. YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK IT. I'M BRINGING IT BACK. MERRY CHRISTMAS MANKIND. FUCK THE ELDAR. THEY'RE THE REASON YOU CAN'T HAVE PRESENTS." The Emperor said as all of humanity, even the listening Chaos spies, united in their hatred.

_The Warp(Slaanesh)_

Slaanesh was just minding her own business(playing with itself) when suddenly he/she doubled in pain.

"Oooh, oooh mmyyyy, I don't know what's going on, but I think I can get used to i-oh, OOOOOOOHHHH!!!" Slaanesh cried out as a long dormant presence split from her being and flew off. "CCAAALLLLL MMEEEE!!"

_The Warp(Khorne)_

Khorne was pissed, _very_ pissed. Granted, he was always pissed, but this was different. "FUCKING DAMN IT!! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?!?"

The Blood God received his answer when a formless presence flew into his face. His rage bubbled up from his throat and he vomited boiling blood all over the spirit.

The blood hardened into flesh and bone, giving the spirit a new form. A Bloodthirster with a large gut, a strange red and white outfit, a two-sided battle ax, and an empty sack, presumably for carrying skulls.

"Oh, that makes sense." Khorne said, uncharacteristically calm after the literal rage-dump. "I don't know who the fuck you are, but go out and kill something. I don't care what."

Most of Khorne's Daemons just ran off at this point, but this one was different. It put thought behind it's actions. "...Let me check my Naughty List."

The Bloodthirster latched his ax to his belt and pulled up a scroll of skin with names written in blood...Eldar names.

Simply looking upon the names fillfilled the Daemon with such rage that his eyes lit aflame. "...Ho...Ho..._Ho..._"

**_The End._**


End file.
